No. And yes...
Let’s start with no: You don’t have to do anything. Ever. And especially not in therapy.
I’m a big proponent of empowerment – the idea of supporting others to find their own authentic voice and make their own decisions, then act on those decisions and speak that voice.
I think a quality therapist will focus on you, your wants, and you using your authentic voice.
This brings us to the yes.
You are a person who grew up with others and who has a history. Most likely, those people, the things that have happened to you, and the things you have done all have had an impact on who you are and what you do now. It stands to reason that all these factors will play a role in you meeting your therapy goals.
For example:
If you want to reduce your anxiety symptoms:
You will want to examine what past experiences have created anxiety (such as being made fun of when you were a kid, or getting lost in the grocery story as a toddler) and what thoughts you have that create anxiety (such as worry about safety, reputation, or comfort).
You can learn anxiety-reducing techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or negative thought stopping all by focusing on the present.
And, you may benefit from exploring how past experiences have shaped what drives your present anxiety. If you open yourself up to considering your family or past, you may make more progress in managing your anxiety.
If you want to have better relationships and stop repeating unhelpful patterns:
You will likely need to look at your past relationships (family included), understand what the patterns are in the present, and how the patterns developed in the first place. Likely, they began as something helpful, but as you grew and changed, their helpfulness decreased.
Exploring how your past and your family shaped your relationship habits will likely play a key role in improving your current relationship habits.
If you want to make a career decision:
You may need to explore your values, how you communicate and interact with others, or how your family-of-origin (the family who raised you) influenced which careers were valued and which were not.
Career decisions often include the questions:
What do I want?
Who am I called to be?
How do I make decisions in general?
How do I decide what’s most important (such as salary vs. work culture, or passion vs. practicality)?
Is now the right time to make a change?
How we make decisions is often influenced by our past and the people who make up our past. To answer your questions in the most helpful ways, you may want to consider these two key influences of your life.
No, and Yes
If what you’re really asking is, “Do I need to blame my parents?” or “Will you make me talk about things that are uncomfortable or unpleasant?,” the answers are still no and yes.
No, because you get to decide what you talk about, how much you talk about it, and what your goals are.
Yes, because you also get to decide what you really want. Therapy can help you look at the bigger picture. It can provide you with a person to be on this journey with. A therapist can teach you new tools to support your ability to handle difficult feelings and memories. Therapy can be a space for you and your therapist to ask questions and make observations by looking at and connecting your present situations and habits to your past.
If you think that you’ll change in therapy, you are right. But you get to decide if you are open to changing, and at what pace you change. Your therapist will walk alongside you and can help support you to feel grounded when there is a painful memory or an unpleasant feeling. They can also push you a little when they see your courage and know that looking more closely at the truth will bring you the kind of life-giving, long-term change you want to see.
Read more: How can therapy be helpful? What can it do?
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