Compassionate Listening
Therapy is a space to share all of your thoughts, ideas, and stories in a non-judgmental and non-agenda space. The word “compassion” for “to suffer with.” Compassionate listening is an active, present listening. It is attentive and response – with the goal of truly and fully knowing someone. Therapy is the experience of being accepted and affirmed just as you are.
A therapist wants to:
offer unconditional positive regard
validate of your human experience and responses to situations
listen to your stories
know you and offer you the experience of being known in a deep and accepted way
It is one thing to tell your stories to yourself, it’s another to share them with someone else. A therapist has the unique vantage point of having no stake in the game. When you share something with us, we won’t be affected, so you neither need to worry about our reactions, nor consider us in your decision making.
Empowerment
As you dig into who you are and what you want, you’ll also be examining the others in your life – who they are, who you think they want you to be, and what you think they want you to do. You’ll be assessing the dynamics of your interpersonal relationships and your worldview.
Ideally, the process of therapy will help you become assertive. I define assertive as having confidence in your desires and decisions, while also respecting the desires and decisions of others. It is not silence or submission (passiveness), nor is it forceful or controlling (aggressiveness).
Education
There are ideas, scientific research, and techniques that can be useful in understanding yourself, improving your interpersonal relationships, and in making decisions. Therapy is a space to learn new things, and also try them out.
Examining Your Thoughts
You’ll be paying attention to what’s going on in your mind What are you thinking?
Then you’ll be digging deeper:
Where did this thought come from?
Who has informed this thought?
What do I hope for?
What’s holding me back?
You’ll begin to realize that you have choices about what you think, and you can change your thinking.
Space to Process
Therapy can be an hour to be intentional about engaging with difficult thoughts or memories.
Sometimes we avoid thinking about or remembering something. The trouble is, our thoughts and memories are connected to other things in our brains (thanks to neural networks) and new thoughts or experiences connect to old ones – triggering the difficult thoughts or memories to come alive again. These old things leak out. It takes work to push them down again.
There is a process of compartmentalizing whereby our brain (both intentionally and unintentionally) stores thoughts and memories away.
Compartmentalizing can be helpful for several reasons:
We are able to care for ourselves without a difficult thought or memory debilitating us. Caring may be as simple as feeding, clothing, or bathing. Or, it can mean going to work, taking care of kids, or making purchasing decisions.
Memories or thoughts can be quite large. Our brain may need to process little bits at a time. If we can keep the largeness separated, and take out a little bit at a time, we’ll be able to process through the enormity in a manageable way.
But, because of the interconnections in our brains, compartmentalizing is neither perfect nor a long-term solution, because thinks seep out.
Therapy can be a dedicated space to be leaky. Sometimes we can compartmentalize all week until our therapy hour. Sometimes, we can’t and something leaks out, so we find a way to hold the leaky parts (perhaps by journaling, talking to a friend, or making a list) and then bring these to the therapy hour.
Hope
This deep work is about going into the vulnerable, unnerving parts of your soul. It can be painful, terrifying, and discouraging. It’s tempting to lose heart and abandon the project.
I often say to my clients, “You have chosen the harder path. You could have turned to numbing yourself, perhaps with drugs. But you decided to face this. And not only do I believe in your ability, but I whole-heartedly believe that you will find deeper joy and peace on this path than you can ever imagine.”
As the therapist, sometimes I am holding the hope for my clients when they find themselves unable to.
Someone to do all of this with
Yes, you can do all of this work on your own. There are many books, master classes, and podcasts that can teach you the techniques above to apply to yourself.
You could even do this with someone already in your life. And, truthfully, you should be to some extent, since social support is essential to mental health.
But a therapist plays the unique role of being focused solely on you (no reciprocity needed) and on not being influenced by anything you say or do (no filtering or calculating needed).
There’s something sacred about inviting someone else along with you on the journey.
You will feel known.
You will hear other questions that you would not have asked.
You will find a common humanity when they say:
“I get that. That makes sense.”
“Ouch, that sounds painful.”
“Me too.”
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